The Rim Greaper
Episode 85 of The
ESPN PRESENTS: THE RIM GREAPER INCIDENT
(Broadcast transcript — recovered from a very confused production truck)
Commentator 1 (Dan):
“Welcome back to Tuesday Night Hoops here in— uh—
hold on, the scoreboard just changed Ballarat Rec Centre to Blarraat Rec Cnetre…
Probably a glitch.”
Commentator 2 (Mick):
“Yeah mate, the lights are flickering too.
And who’s that tall bloke in the black robe?
Is that… is that a scythe shaped like a basketball hoop?”
Dan:
“Looks like it.
And his jersey says… RIM GREAPER.
That can’t be right.
Surely that’s—”
Mick:
“Dan.
He’s dribbling the ball.
And the bounce sounds like someone mispronouncing a vowel.”
THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE
Dan:
“Alright folks, the Greaper— sorry, the Reaper—
No, the Greaper—
Oh no.
It’s happening.”
Mick:
“Dan, the players are lining up for a free throw but the ref just yelled
‘Frew three!’
He looks terrified.”
Dan:
“Player steps up… shoots…
OH! It went through the Greaper’s hoop!”
Mick:
“His name on the jersey just changed from JASON MILLER to LION JAMS REL.”
Dan:
“Lion Jams Rel with the bucket!
Wait— no—
Jason—
Lion—
Oh mate, I think my tongue’s on backwards.”
THE MELTDOWN BEGINS
Mick:
“Dan, the court markings now say FLAH COUTR.
Is that Gaelic?”
Dan:
“No Mick, that’s just wrong.
Everything is wrong.
My notes now say Palyer Stats and Tiemouts Remaning.”
Mick:
“Dan, I tried to say ‘pick and roll’ and what came out was
‘rick and poll.’
I don’t even know what that means.”
Dan:
“Rick and poll defence looking strong tonight.”
Mick:
“Stop encouraging it!”
THE FINAL SHOT
Dan:
“Captain Maya Jordan—
or A RAD JAM ONY as the scoreboard insists—
is going for the last shot.”
Mick:
“She shoots—
She scores—
She…
Dan, the net just hissed at me.”
Dan:
“Her name is now MANY A JAR DO.
I can’t do this anymore.”
Mick:
“Dan, my microphone label now says Morciphone.
I’m scared.”
Dan:
“Folks, we’re witnessing history.
Or hirtsory.
Or sithory.
I don’t know.
I don’t know words anymore.”
THE SIGN‑OFF
Mick:
“The Rim Greaper is leaving the court.
Letters are unscrambling.
My mouth is working again.
Mostly.”
Dan:
“Final score:
Team A — 72
Team B — 68
Rim Greaper —
…yes.”
Mick:
“Goodnight everyone.
Stay safe.
And if you see a hooded figure with a basketball‑scythe…
run before your vowels do. Or is that bowels?”
Postscript: Who (or What) Is the Rim Greaper?
Local legends describe the Rim Greaper as a dusk‑dwelling court phantom — a hooded figure who appears whenever a game runs too long, the lights flicker, or someone loudly insists they “never miss free throws.” Unlike traditional reapers, the Rim Greaper doesn’t harvest souls. It harvests spelling. Its cursed scythe‑hoop twists language, scrambles names, and turns perfectly normal play calls into linguistic accidents. Those who shoot through its hoop experience temporary dyslexia, anagrammatic identity crises, and an overwhelming urge to apologise to their Year 7 English teacher. The Rim Greaper cannot be defeated, only avoided. Experts recommend leaving the court before dusk, ignoring any hooded figures in basketball jerseys, and never — under any circumstances — attempting a three‑pointer while the air smells faintly of burning alphabet soup.
